Achieving Balance in a Relationship

A balanced relationship exists when a couple successfully blends togetherness with independence. Simply put, balance in a relationship means committing to a partner, committing as a partner, and committing to one's own individual needs.

Commitment is not a score card.  It is not about measuring who gives more to the relationship.  Commitment, and ultimately balance in a relationship, is achieved when the relationship is meeting both shared needs and individual needs.

A relationship is only as strong as the sum of its partners.  When a couple sacrifices their unique identities in favor of total togetherness, the relationship will weaken and eventually fail.  While everyone longs for the intimate bonds of a meaningful relationship, we must not forget that we have individual needs and individual connections that must be met.  If we cannot meet our own needs, how is it possible to meet the needs of a relationship?

None of this is about selfishness.  To the contrary, it is about growing and prospering individually and together.  Balance in a relationship is, in fact, a reflection of balance in one's life. 

Achieving balance means beginning with one's self. 

Do you appreciate yourself?  Do you respect what you want to accomplish as a person, or do you feel compelled to sacrifice your needs for your partner's?

Are you comfortable enough in your own life to enjoy your partner's individually?  Do you respect your partner's needs?

Do you desire that both of you should achieve success both individually and as a pair?

A partner cannot fulfill all needs.  A couple must appreciate and respect each other's needs.  Balance in a relationship is achieved when a couple respects that individual needs and shared needs are not competitors - they are the perfect blend. 

Replacing Relationship Problems with Relationship Solutions

All relationships are tested.  Relationship problems are not exclusive to troubled relationships.  To the contrary, healthy relationships are indeed strengthened with time as a couple learns to weather those tests.  Healthy relationships mature as the partners themselves mature.  They develop the emotional maturity to weather the relationship problems that - left unchecked - will destroy any relationship.

Emotional maturity is a commitment to responsibility and accountability and respect.  It is the force that distinguishes a healthy relationship.  It is the energy that replaces relationship problems with relationship solutions

Relationship problems almost always begin with conflict and anger which, left unchecked, escalate into resentment and hostility.  Over time, these emotions devastate the relationship as they destroy trust and accountability and respect.

Resentment and hostility are too frequently fueled by a need to win at any cost.  Does that cost include the relationship itself?

Simply put, if one is willing to place the value of the relationship below the value of proving a point or winning, then the relationship is probably past saving.  But most relationship problems can be solved if the partners are willing to resolve their differences, to respect their differences, and to replace those differences with responsible actions.

Responsible actions are those that move a couple forward, not backward.  These are the actions that release conflict and fortify respect.  These are the actions that put cost into perspective by defining the value of the relationship - not the conflict.

Responsible actions begin with three basic principles - Listen, Learn, Forgive.

Listen

To listen is to respect.  It is the most important element of communication.  Do you care enough about your partner to listen to him/her?  Only by listening can a couple begin to discover what is important to each of them individually and as a pair.  Listening sets the stage for all future success.  Listening is the beginning of the solution.

Learn

Learning means replacing blame with understanding.  Rarely is one partner to blame for all of the frustrations.  Learning is about releasing resentment.  It is about what motivated each of you to behave as you did - and to move past it.  A couple that cannot move beyond resentment for what occurred in the past cannot survive.  Above all, learning is understanding when it is time to let go of relationship problems that have become larger than the relationship itself.  Learn when to compromise.  Learn to respect that what you have is greater than a single issue.

Forgive

Unless the relationship problems are so devastating that trust simply cannot be restored, learn to forgive.  A relationship void of forgiveness is destined to failure.  Forgiveness is a byproduct of listening and learning.  It is about accepting your partner's weaknesses as well as his/her strengths.  It is the ultimate demonstration of emotional maturity.  When it is equal among partners, forgiveness is the crowning glory of accountability and responsibility.  It is perhaps the single most powerful of all relationship solutions.