How To Improve a Relationship

A relationship is only as strong as the partners that contribute to that relationship.  When it becomes necessary to strengthen and improve a relationship, both partners need to look inward.

Many relationships fail when the insecurities of one or both partners overpower that relationship.  While insecurities can take on many forms, most typically derive from two basic fears:  (1) fear of loss of the other or (2) fear of loss of one's identity.  Let's take a closer look at both.

Fear of loss of the other half of your relationship

A relationship must be built on trust and mutual security.  When one or both of the couple is driven by a fear of a loss of the relationship, the typical result is controlling behavior.  Examples of this would be negative emotions such as blame, denial, resentment, defensiveness, anger, or withdrawal of emotions to name a few.  In fact, these controlling behaviors will never improve a relationship.  To the contrary, they will destroy the relationship. 

Fear of loss of one's identity

When one or both partners fears that the relationship itself is a threat to self identity, little of value can survive.  Out of a false sense of survival, partners will again try to control the other by manipulation.  Again, insecurity is the driving force that takes over, manifesting itself in negative, controlling emotions.


A couple who is committed to improve a relationship can do so only by looking inward.

Looking inward means defining one's own needs and taking personal responsibility for those needs. 
Only by feeling secure with one's self can that individual be secure in any relationship.  Security simply cannot stem from a complete dependence on one's partner.

If your true desire is to improve a relationship, begin first by looking within yourself.  Respect yourself.  Trust yourself.  Take responsibility for yourself. Replace insecurity with security.

Ultimately, you - not your partner - are the master of your own happiness … or your own unhappiness. 

Achieving Balance in a Relationship

A balanced relationship exists when a couple successfully blends togetherness with independence. Simply put, balance in a relationship means committing to a partner, committing as a partner, and committing to one's own individual needs.

Commitment is not a score card.  It is not about measuring who gives more to the relationship.  Commitment, and ultimately balance in a relationship, is achieved when the relationship is meeting both shared needs and individual needs.

A relationship is only as strong as the sum of its partners.  When a couple sacrifices their unique identities in favor of total togetherness, the relationship will weaken and eventually fail.  While everyone longs for the intimate bonds of a meaningful relationship, we must not forget that we have individual needs and individual connections that must be met.  If we cannot meet our own needs, how is it possible to meet the needs of a relationship?

None of this is about selfishness.  To the contrary, it is about growing and prospering individually and together.  Balance in a relationship is, in fact, a reflection of balance in one's life. 

Achieving balance means beginning with one's self. 

Do you appreciate yourself?  Do you respect what you want to accomplish as a person, or do you feel compelled to sacrifice your needs for your partner's?

Are you comfortable enough in your own life to enjoy your partner's individually?  Do you respect your partner's needs?

Do you desire that both of you should achieve success both individually and as a pair?

A partner cannot fulfill all needs.  A couple must appreciate and respect each other's needs.  Balance in a relationship is achieved when a couple respects that individual needs and shared needs are not competitors - they are the perfect blend. 

Replacing Relationship Problems with Relationship Solutions

All relationships are tested.  Relationship problems are not exclusive to troubled relationships.  To the contrary, healthy relationships are indeed strengthened with time as a couple learns to weather those tests.  Healthy relationships mature as the partners themselves mature.  They develop the emotional maturity to weather the relationship problems that - left unchecked - will destroy any relationship.

Emotional maturity is a commitment to responsibility and accountability and respect.  It is the force that distinguishes a healthy relationship.  It is the energy that replaces relationship problems with relationship solutions

Relationship problems almost always begin with conflict and anger which, left unchecked, escalate into resentment and hostility.  Over time, these emotions devastate the relationship as they destroy trust and accountability and respect.

Resentment and hostility are too frequently fueled by a need to win at any cost.  Does that cost include the relationship itself?

Simply put, if one is willing to place the value of the relationship below the value of proving a point or winning, then the relationship is probably past saving.  But most relationship problems can be solved if the partners are willing to resolve their differences, to respect their differences, and to replace those differences with responsible actions.

Responsible actions are those that move a couple forward, not backward.  These are the actions that release conflict and fortify respect.  These are the actions that put cost into perspective by defining the value of the relationship - not the conflict.

Responsible actions begin with three basic principles - Listen, Learn, Forgive.

Listen

To listen is to respect.  It is the most important element of communication.  Do you care enough about your partner to listen to him/her?  Only by listening can a couple begin to discover what is important to each of them individually and as a pair.  Listening sets the stage for all future success.  Listening is the beginning of the solution.

Learn

Learning means replacing blame with understanding.  Rarely is one partner to blame for all of the frustrations.  Learning is about releasing resentment.  It is about what motivated each of you to behave as you did - and to move past it.  A couple that cannot move beyond resentment for what occurred in the past cannot survive.  Above all, learning is understanding when it is time to let go of relationship problems that have become larger than the relationship itself.  Learn when to compromise.  Learn to respect that what you have is greater than a single issue.

Forgive

Unless the relationship problems are so devastating that trust simply cannot be restored, learn to forgive.  A relationship void of forgiveness is destined to failure.  Forgiveness is a byproduct of listening and learning.  It is about accepting your partner's weaknesses as well as his/her strengths.  It is the ultimate demonstration of emotional maturity.  When it is equal among partners, forgiveness is the crowning glory of accountability and responsibility.  It is perhaps the single most powerful of all relationship solutions.

Relationship Problems - Solving Them With Commitment and Mutual Trust

We have emphasized the importance of communication in a relationship.  Yet a troubled relationship cannot survive on communication alone.  In reality, communication itself is only as strong as the commitment and mutual trust that support that communication. 

Commitment is about supporting each other, being there in good times and in bad. 

Commitment is about values and responsibility.
•  Recognize that your relationship must be a priority.  A lasting relationship moves past being "in love" towards a "loving relationship".  Investing in a loving relationship is as basic as showing an interest in each other.  Take time during the day to stay in touch, show appreciation for your partner. 
Above all, never take your relationship for granted.

•  Openly show respect for each other. 
When you speak and act with respect you are reinforcing that you care about your partner.  Displaying respect means taking care of yourself as well as your partner.

•  Commitment to one another is about one another.  Express your love, your admiration, and your gratitude for your relationship every day.  It's as easy as a gentle, a thank you, or an "I love you."

The Importance of Mutual Trust

Trust is essential to the survival of all relationships.  Sometimes couples engage in behavior that encourages a lack of trust.  Work with each other to resolve those problems by following these basic considerations.

•  Accept personal accountability.  When you commit to something – do it.  Take care of yourself.

•  Be considerate.  If you're going to be late, call.  Endeavor to do caring things for your partner.  Never lie.

•  Be sensitive to your partner's needs.  Even if you disagree, respect your partner's beliefs.

• Fight fairly.  Arguments take place in all relationships.  Listen for solutions.  Don't ever say things you know you will regret.  Don't blow things out of proportion. 

Together you can work to solve relationship problems and to avoid a relationship breakup.  Be patient.

Solving Relationship Problems - Begin With Communication

The decision to save a relationship is to consider all the consequences.  Relationship problems can be mended with a few exceptions.  Those exceptions include abusive relationships and destructive relationships.  In each of those cases, you must evaluate the possibility of reconciliation versus the potential for permanent damage.  Rarely can a destructive or abusive relationship be salvaged.  In either case, professional intervention is warranted.

However, in situations where a relationship is neither profoundly destructive nor abusive, it is possible, even likely that you can solve your relationship problems with some effort on both parts.

Almost all relationship problems begin with insufficient communication.  When a couple fails to communicate, they risk losing commitment to one another, resentment rises, and insecurities take over.

Here are some tips for improving communication.

•  Above all, make time for each other.  Silence the cell phones, put the computer to sleep, and turn on some comforting, soothing music.  When necessary, plan specific times every day when the two of you can simply enjoy being with one another.  Use your time together to share each other's daily ups and downs, to share a good laugh, and to work to become closer.

•  All couples must communicate on persistent relationship problems.  To do this, you must mutually establish some ground rules.  Consent not to interrupt, to avoid critical comments, and to stop the blame game.  If the conversation becomes intense, agree to take a break.  When you continue the communication, think about a more public environment if necessary, where hollering really is not an option!

•  Beyond all, appreciate that communication is all about listening.  Each of you must freely express your position and your beliefs.  But even more important is the willingness to listen.  The majority of relationship problems can be solved simply by listening to each other.

How to Say Sorry

One cannot appreciate how to say sorry without a genuine understanding of how one's partner feels.  Those feeling are usually a combination of raw emotions such as pain, anger, betrayal, and a lack of trust.  In order to truly apologize, one must feel remorse for having caused those feelings.  Without remorse, is it possible to avoid a relationship breakup? 

Once the feelings of remorse are real, it is time to express that remorse.

Remorse, and likewise an apology, should not come with an explanation.  An explanation suggests that the other person is somehow responsible for the actions of the partner offering the apology.  An explanation, simply put, is an excuse.

An example might be "you never pay any attention to me."  If that is the case, it is the responsibility of the partner who feels this way to communicate the problem before thrashing out or before acting unfairly or unacceptably.  An unacceptable action, for example would be to cheat.  When an unacceptable action is taken, it becomes the responsibility of the person who chose that route to own up to the mistake without blaming the other.  Without recognition of responsibility or acknowledgement of remorse, there is no apology.

An apology must acknowledge the pain of the other person, and it must offer hope for the future.  "I regret that I did what I did, and I will show you through my actions that I will never do it again."

More than anything else, an apology must not be offered because of its convenience.  An apology that is offered solely as a means to "get out of trouble" is not an apology.  To the contrary, an apology must exist over time, through actions and sincerity.

A sincere apology will open the door for improved communications.  If a partner has been unfaithful because of his or her beliefs that the other "never pays attention", a sincere apology can pave the way for mutual communication, as long as future actions support the genuineness of the apology.

An apology is a beginning.  It must be supported by honest and unafraid positive communication, and an acceptance that trust must have time to rebuild.

How to say sorry?  Give love a chance.  Enduring love is the single most powerful force for rebuilding the past and looking forward to the future.

Positive Steps for Saving a Relationship

The pain of a relationship breakup is all consuming.  In fact, the pain is so intense that there are few moments in life that can equal it.  But love can survive when the focus is on saving a relationship rather than on the inevitably of a relationship breakup.

The most important element in saving a relationship is to stay together until the two of you can work on the solutions.  In the heat of an argument it is easy to walk out the door, but by all means let passions cool.  Will you be able to bear the regret of giving up?

Relationships that matter can almost always be saved when both parties are willing to work at strengthening the relationship.  No relationship is perfect.  The key is to find your common ground and to work together to change a troubled relationship into a lasting relationship. 

Here are some suggestions to get started.

1.  Take a break.  Is whatever is causing the problem worth the future of the relationship?  Calm down.  Express your desire to work things out. Stop arguing, and take some time to think about what you want to accomplish.

2.  Give each other some time.  Resist the urge to try to talk things out when tensions are high.  Instead, each of you needs some solitude to approach solutions in a non hostile, non argumentative way.  Don't "go to bed angry".  Rather, agree to step away to reflect, and to identify the true problems.

3.  When the situation has cooled, communicate.  Understand that listening is even more important than speaking.  Your communications should uncover the real reasons for the problems.  One or both of you might be incensed over something over a problem that the other is not even aware of.  Only by honest communication, can you hope to expose and to repair the problems.

4.  Saving a relationship is about respecting your partner.  Sometimes the best way to soothe is to agree to disagree on certain issues.  When you can respect each other's points of view, your relationship can flourish despite your differences.  

5.  With respect comes compromise.  Each of you must be willing to compromise for the betterment of one another and for the health of your relationship.

Saving a relationship takes time.  Be patient.  Find value in your love rather than in your differences.